the rhythm of two nervous systems

how maya taught me to listen to myself

do you love me still? by Shaun Weadick

How can you be right with yourself if you are not listening to yourself?

When Maya came into my life, I was not well, although  I didn’t know that at the time. I was stuck going through motions that were slowly eroding my energy and spirit. I was self-medicating with alcohol and cigarettes to carry on in environments – home and work - where there was persistent sense of urgency. I was always on edge and constantly in reaction  and I never slowed down enough to realize what was happening. 

Maya is wildly anxious. She wears it in her body. When she’s in an environment where she does not feel safe - most environments where there are, or could be, people or animals that she doesn’t trust (most people and animals lol) - she is constantly on the alert. Ears back, she continually scans the environment, she jumps at most sounds, she regularly returns to me for reassurance. So on our multiple walks a day, I would take her to the places where she was calmest - the quiet alleys, empty parks in the early mornings, or the woods, when we had the time. And I would let her go at her own pace, feeling out the environment, relaxing her body, getting lost in the smells. And as she slowed to sniff, I slowed with her. When she settled on a smell, I would settle on the birds, the trees, the gardens.  As her breath slowed, so too did mine. And, after a slow and calm exploration, when we came to the end of the alley and the bikes whizzed by and the garbage trucks screamed and random men shouted, I watched as Maya’s body tensed. And I found that same tensing in myself. 

My walks with Maya  became the only space where I was truly calm and centred. I had spent years in therapy, gone through dozens of journals, tried yoga and meditation, searching for a way through my over-intellectualizing back to my body. But it was through listening to Maya that I made the largest leaps towards understanding how to actually listen to my body. And when I started listening, I knew I was going to have to make some difficult decisions and turn my life upside down. Because it became harder and harder to leave the woods with Maya and return home. 

We are now a year later and I am still grieving people and things that I lost in the upheavals that became so obviously necessary when I let Maya teach me how to listen to myself. But with this grief is a profound gratitude for Maya and how she showed me how to slow down and actually hear myself. Co-regulation with an animal has been a transformative force in my life. Maya brings me closer to being right with myself and moving with integrity everyday.

This is a song about loss, grief, and and listening to yourself. Maya makes a guest appearance.